Blogging in class...

At this very moment, we are sitting in our cozy little circle for the last time talking about the Princess Grace Grant application requirements, & I'm realizing just how stuck I am. I have a rough rough draft written for Princess Grace, but it's not the number one choice of what I want to do for my thesis project. It's a supernatural drama involving time travel and spirits taking over people's lives...& it would involve filming with 10 year olds for a couple of days...oh boy. It would be cool though, and it would be written so that it could be viewed as one short film or as a web series with 5 five minute episodes. But my number one choice is an incomplete idea I have of a short film freakin musical. Yes, a musical...with music and dancing and stuff. I have great visuals in my head and the basic idea, just not the actual story. I'm a little bass ackwards, I suppose, but I really want to do this project. I honestly don't know if I can pull it off, but that is what makes me want to do it...because if it turns out well, it would kick the biggest ass of all asses. Quote me. It would challenge me in a way I've never been challenged before. It would possibly bring together the school of music, media arts dept, and theater and dance dept. It would only be doable though, if I actually had the money from Princess Grace...hence why I have two plans. Either way, this musical is being made at some point in my life. Now, if you, reader, have an idea of who or what is the enemy of pop music, or music in general, please tell me. I need an antagonist. Thanks!

Running on Empty

I feel I am always struggling to catch up, pulling an all-nighter to finish a last minute project, or combining three or four blog posts into one because I forgot to do them when they were assigned...
It's not that I'm trying to blow off school or only do enough to get by...I just feel empty. In all aspects of my life, I feel empty. To get awkwardly personal, my long distance relationship of three years ended in February because neither one of us know what we're doing or where we'll be after school. Three years done because we had not planned out a future. I definitely saw him in mine, I wouldn't waste three years on someone I didn't...but because neither one of us know where our work might take us, we split. I've never been a planner because when I do make plans they never work, but this has made me reevaluate a lot of the decisions I've made and how I've been approaching it all. I'm the queen of poorly thought decisions. I will spend 20 minutes trying to decide to buy a pair of shoes, and twenty minutes to decide to go to grad school. It doesn't add up and it's brought me to this place that I don't know if it's where I'm supposed to be or not. I hate to say it, but I jumped into grad school because I wasn't ready to leave and was too scared to do anything else. Now I'm thinking to myself, there's got to be something that's a better fit for me than this. I'm not just talking school wise, I mean personally, socially, mentally, etc. I love USC, the Media Arts Dept, and everybody there...but I don't feel like I contribute anything worthwhile to my classes, & the more I think about it, the worse I feel and really don't want to even try. My confidence has hit a low point and I've been letting my fear and personal feelings get in the way of what I need to be doing. I've been focusing on things I shouldn't and I know that if I refocus myself and push to put new, real effort into my work, I will feel a lot better. I'm just sorry it's taking me so long to realize what is worth time and effort and what is not.

Now that I've gotten some things out of my system, on to the blog assignments!

The website thing: Looking at quarknova.com, I think it gives a very good representation of Simon's personality. That's a good cue to follow so people possibly looking to hire you have an idea of what you're like...my only issue is, how do I put my personality into a website and it still look professional and not...kitschy, or whatever you may consider my "style." Regardless, I must resist putting fruit or candy buttons on my page. The sidebar with the film links constantly there is great. It's very easy to navigate and keeps the viewer focused on the work. It's simple and effective and allows the viewer to focus on the work.


Now, how do I know if something I completed is successful?
In the case of my short film I'm finishing, I'd say if someone laughed at all the moments I intended to make them laugh. But that's not the type of answer you're wanting, I suppose.

suc·cess·ful
Adjective:
-Accomplishing an aim or purpose.
-Having achieved popularity, profit, or distinction.

I would consider something successful if it was entertaining and done well enough for people to want to see more of my work...or you know, get me a job. Or even just interesting enough that people would watch it again and share with other people. Winning an award would prove success, too.

The one video of mine that I would consider the biggest "success" (as in, it did what I wanted it to) is my video "Me as Katy Perry as Kathy Beth Terry...in the Library." I made it to garner attention for a Katy Perry look-a-like contest and it definitely worked...seeing as I didn't actually win, but the sponsor sent me to meet Katy anyway...I call that epic success...even though the production quality is dirt.
I've had others fulfill their purpose and consider them sucessful, but that one was the biggest that gained attention from an audience that I did not have any personal connection to.

Lessons Learned

This past week was one of the most stressful weeks ever & this week isn't going to be any better. I've never been the person in control of a big project, and writing, directing, managing, and acting all in one big project has proven to be...frustrating, to say the least. First day of shooting was Sunday, and while it was a lot of fun, it was frustrating in more ways then one. I am incredibly thankful for all the people helping me on this project, my only problem with them is that they don't have ESP and know exactly what I'm trying to tell them I want. I kept wanting to take the cameras and frame it myself, but didn't want to offend my friends that were kind enough to help me out and run camera. I was frustrated with my performance, too. My mind was in a million places: shots, timing, no extras showed up...I feel my performance suffered a bit. Hopefully, editing magic will help. I love editing, so much. It changes how I feel about everything. We have one more day to shoot the big scene of the film at the location and we have SO SO SO much to cover...&recover. I'm worried we won't get everything & I don't know what to compromise. I'll be spending the rest of the week going through footage and rescheduling the shot list and paying people to come be extras...apparently free cake isn't enough incentive.

My short project for this class is going to be completely different than what I have been working on the past few weeks. I will film that project eventually this semester, but I waited until the last three weeks to try to get people to help & be extras. I never got anyone to agree to be extras, weather wouldn't cooperate, no one was available to film...After everything fell through before, I finally had a plan for shooting Monday (yesterday) with Brittany Paul and of course, it rained. SO, I spent the day figuring out what I can do. It's not the best quality, but I guess it will have to do for now. I'm more concerned with my narrative being in the middle of shooting. I know it's no excuse...but I've learned to give myself more time, don't wait till last minute, don't wait until everything happens at once, and don't feel bad about asking people to help.

don't talk about money..

It has taken me two days to write and rewrite this blog. I always have trouble putting my thoughts and feelings into words, but money has always been a delicate and heavy subject so I'm trying to express myself the best I can.

Money & I have an interesting relationship. My family is in banking. Yes, the whole family. My whole family's income comes from the bank that my great grandaddy started in 1939, and the stock market. When I was younger, I was really confused about how I was supposed to feel about money. My momma told me not to talk about money, so I assumed that meant it was bad, but it couldn't be that bad if my dad is in the business of money, right? The banker is always portrayed as the big "bad guy"...my dad cannot be the "bad guy" because he's myyy daddy. I'm from a very small town where a lot of family owned businesses were prominent, and once my friends and I got old enough to put names to places (but not old enough to know better) things got interesting. About 3rd or 4th grade or so, I remember some friends throwing, "You're rich, your dad owns a bank!" at me and it holding a lot of negative weight. It never helped that I wouldn't spend much lunch money, so I hoarded one dollar bills in my wallet until it would explode when I unzipped it. I got so fed up one day with a friend's remarks that I took a dollar out and tore it up to show them that money means nothing to me. No, I didn't realize that was illegal and no, I didn't realize that it was stupid. I was like, 8 years old, give me a break. So growing up I didn't really know what to think...all outside sources told me money was bad, but my dad is a good man so I knew it couldn't be so bad. Plus, I liked having my own to spend on ring pops and Doritos on the weekend bike excursions to the gas station with my friends.

As I got older, things changed. Kids throwing silly things around when they don't fully understand is one thing...it's another when teenage friends or adults try to take advantage of you or come to you for serious help because you have access to it.
I had a friend that I had not talked to in months call and ask me for a $500 "loan" to fix a car she wrecked while her personal car was being fixed. And when I found out she had not called any of her actual close friends, just me, I knew why.

One morning senior year, I was walking into my highschool when the custodian, Mr. Leon, stopped me and pulled me aside to talk. He told me about an issue he was having financially and wanted me to call my dad at home to see if there was anything he could do for him. I called my dad and listened to Mr. Leon explain his problem. His youngest son had cancer and the costs of treatments were way too much. Our school always had fundraisers for the family, but the boy needed to go to Charleston for some kind of test and Mr. Leon needed help with a loan. He asked my dad if there was anything he could do. I had to face the father of a child with cancer as my daddy had to tell them there was nothing he could do. I was heartbroken, guilt striken, and angry at my dad for not helping him. I later learned and understood there was nothing he could do through the bank, but he personally helped out later.

My feelings on money are not all negative, I'd actually say they're overall positive. My feelings vary based on how money is handled by people and how they react to it.
I go by this...

Ecclesiastes 10:19, "A feast is made for laughter, and wine makes merry: but money answers all things."

1 Timothy 6:10 "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."

These are two verses I've heard in my life too many times to count. So, money answers all things, but the love of money is the root of all evil. I think money can do great things when handled with the right attitude and responsibly. My feelings are overall positive for now...might change a little when I'm paying for absolutely everything and a month comes around when I can't pay rent or afford my groceries...but I won't let it get the best of me.

Quit monkeying around...

"What's your theoretical spirit animal?"
This question kind of makes me want to hide my head in a hole...like an ostrich. But that's not my spirit animal.
Deep down in the depths of my deep end, I feel my spirit animal is a little monkey, like the cute ones in the circus or that used to perform on the street with the men with the music boxes. Also, I think I perform best when I don't have to speak...& monkeys can't talk so...Pretty sure that's me: wide-eyed and bumbling around trying to entertain anyone watching. I'm either that...or a unicorn.

Alright...I know that wasn't the "correct" answer, but I'm going to be painfully honest. When I read things for classes, papers, etc. I tend to not pay attention to names. I read and take what I need/want & move on. Ignorant ass-hat table for one, please. And I'm not going to read through my bibliography or the other books I have lying around to put up the front of a good student on this blog. If it didn't stick with me, I need to make myself read it again anyway. I will go back and read everything I rush-read through for my paper, but I can't say I would pick up Foucault by my own free will at this point.

As one side of my mind scolds me for being a complete and total moron, the other side is trying to justify my ignorance and here is what it came up with...zilch. It all just comes down to performance for me. My biggest influences in anything I do are performers: Judy Garland, Lucille Ball, Fran Drescher, Carol Burnett, to name a few, and I learn by watching. Yes, I read books on my own, but only after I've been captivated by something from the performance aspect. I know, I will read more on the internet & media and I will be a better person for it...but one of my focuses is women in comedy and I believe you learn that best by watching the greats, taking note.

Please don't fail me.

Rotten to the Core - Week 3

I've always been a bit conflicted about calling myself an "artist". I'm someone who takes others' opinions probably too seriously for my own good. A couple of years ago, I found myself in an identity crisis when I realized I had no substantial opinions of my own that were not influenced heavily by others around me. I felt lost, but thanks to a rocky relationship with a hardheaded boy, I learned to stand up for myself and to form and state my own opinions with no apologies. Before my awakening, so to speak, I would let people tell me what was art and what was not...based on their own opinions. And because of that, I believed "art" could only be paintings, drawings, etc, experimental films, serious/moody films, & documentaries...& an "artist" had to look unkempt, starving, and have no family or social life because they only eat, sleep, and breathe their "art". I've learned differently since, artist come in all shapes, sizes, and smells, and now I hold my perspective as one of my core values. I believe I have a unique outlook on things and I'd like to share it. I will stay true to myself and reflect that in my art.
Along with that, my faith is very important to me. I am a Christian, and though my art is not "preachy", I will never, ever create/work on anything disrespectful to God.
At the core of it all, I just simply want to make people laugh or fascinate them. Temporarily pluck the audience out of their world and invite them into the one I've created. I don't want to spark any type of arguement or debate or make people think about anything, honestly. Call me shallow, "the problem with the world today", whatever, but that's where I am in my life right now. I'll get into the serious stuff when I'm, like, 40.

Week 2: Approval Needed

I have the worst taste in my mouth. Never put your finger in your mouth after using fingernail polish remover...& never drink milk after that. SICK. But that has nothing to do with anything at all. Just my stupidity, which has everything to do with why I feel like I'm failing everything when everything has hardly begun.
I've been told your early twenties suck and I'm starting to understand. "Not a girl, not yet a woman" syndrome, I suppose. Apparently, you're expected to function as a full fledged adult with an immaculate apartment, filled out planner, a well-trained dog, a steady relationship, and your shopping habit under control. Sadly, I don't know that I can check any of those suckers off. This week left me feeling like a giant disappointment to my parents. All I've been able to think about is my personal life and it's problems and how to better myself. And then it hits me (late, of course), "Oh my gosh...I need to work on my projects! That's how I'll do better! I'll make a really awesome project, & my parents still won't understand me but at least they'll be impressed & I will feel better!" & then it hits me again, "What am I doing this for, the art or the approval of others? What is my purpose? Should I be doing this?" I mull over these thoughts while scrolling through my favorite online store until I find a cute dress that will make everything all better...I will never have my online shopping habit under control. It's a bad, bad cycle.
Anyway, while looking at outfits and style boards online, I found one that inspired a character for my thesis film. After I realized I was inspired by a fashion post on Pinterest, I felt obnoxiously girly and sick at my materialistic habits. I looked at my vanity covered in make-up and 8 bottles of perfume and wanted to scream at myself for becoming the girl I always said I'd never be, but then I got an idea. My [current idea for my] thesis film will be about a dark side of materialism: obsession with make-up, fashion, and perfume. Boom. Take my personal problem and turn it into something worthwhile.
I'm thinking for my short project in this class I will do a silent comedic video. Just physical comedy.

Who, what, when, where, why?

Hello. My name is Alex Anderson. I'm a small town girl with big dreams...yeah, like you've never heard THAT before. I'm a 22 year old girl without a clue, but I somehow managed to bumble my way through undergrad at USC (on Dean's list every semester no less). I've never been able decide whether I'm not giving myself enough credit, or if my teachers are just really generous. I never feel I know exactly what I'm talking about, and the people I'm talking to can usually tell. I've never been the best bluffer...or bullshitter. If I don't know anything about something, I'm done. So, I'm done with this paragraph.

I initially decided to go to grad school to prolong my transition into the "real world". It honestly was a last minute decision that came about after an arguement with a friend. I've never been the best at making decisions. Guilty. All of my biggest (& best) decisions have been made on a whim or last minute. I decided on grad school here because, well, I was here already. I just wasn't ready to leave Columbia. I was comfortable here. I was just starting to feel like I was where I belong. I had fallen in love with the media arts department and the people in it, and I just wasn't ready to leave it all yet. Also, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was ill-prepared for the real world. Not because my school didn't prepare me, but because I didn't take advantage of as many outside projects as I should have. I did some projects outside of school, but none I felt were substantial enough to add to a reel or resume. Over the next three semesters, I aim to create respectable pieces of art and etc. etc....okay, I just want to make a great comedic short film and another awesome short film to put on the internet to showcase what I can do, so I can hopefully get a job and survive in this cruel, cruel world.

Right now, what is keeping me up at night is: ideas for my thesis, how to go about putting myself out on the internet, what is funny? Character ideas, shot ideas, locations, actors, CAN I PULL THIS OFF? How will this project dictate what I do next?